A few weeks ago, I caught my friend Neil’s band, Mike’s Garage, at Outta the Way Cafe. My son joined me after wandering lost all over Montgomery County which prompted me to tell him it is time for a GPS for his car. Enough of wandering lost and showing up when the party is almost over. It was so great to see Zach though. He really is growing into a very striking presence. I had a blast dancing and one particular gentleman coxed me into dancing to every song – including Jethro Tull’s Aqua Lung. Any of you familiar with that particular song can laugh now knowing that it doesn’t necessarily have a dancing beat. He was goofy and nerdy and sweet and by the end of the evening, he asked for my email. A few days later I got a message from Mr. Dwork. The name gave me pause because it was fitting for this sweet dance partner. He asked me out for coffee and I declined on the premise of living too far away.
My truth is so different from “living too far away”. My truth is that Keith came into my life like a meteor, talking at NY speeds, constantly in motion both physically and mentally. We meet on Yahoo Personals, an internet dating service. The very first phone conversation we had consisted of Keith providing me a detailed description of his dating history, his daughter’s soccer games, his son’s compulsion for video games, and all the while he was barking orders out to people who were helping him pack up his mother’s house. Interspersed in his diatribe were questions about where I grew up, where I had lived, how old was my son, and did I like Chinese food. This entire conversation took place as I was driving to Annapolis to visit my great grandmother. In grand Keith fashion, he asked what I was doing and when he realized I was traveling, he would ask every few minutes where I was on Route 50. He announced that based on my reports to him, I was making good time and then called me Mario Andrettie.
When I hung up the phone, Blue Oyster Cult’s The Reaper started playing on the radio. I laughed out loud thinking if I ever get serious with this guy, this is one heck of a soundtrack for our relationship. In hindsight, I still laugh at the absurdity of it all. From that very first phone call to the first date at Masons, he talked non stop about the weather, politics, his children . . . until we looked over the dessert menu and as soon as I ordered the berry tart, he shared with me his disdain for all things berry. That was his style – a no hold bar approach to life that left you always knowing exactly where you stood with him and where he stood on any issue. I was in awe of him, drawn to his unstoppable force, pulled to his gravitational field like the moon child I am – – from that first phone call. The Dworks of this world can’t touch that and I don’t want them too. That is my sacred space, my secret heart.
What has transpired since dancing at the cafe can only be described as the abyss. Both Brandon and I just couldn’t shake it – – that feeling that we were apart and separate from the world. We couldn’t relate, connect, focus. Grief hung in the house and we could hardly share what we were feeling with each other, because it offered no comfort to do so with someone standing in the same emotional mire. He kept his friends at the ready and continues to keep constant companions and I am in their debt. It isn’t like me to flounder when it comes to being strong and emotionally available to the people I love. I am floundering with him and it frightens me that I might fail him.
In the mix, although Dad showed signs of recovering well from his surgery, he did have a short set back Tuesday night leading to an ER visit. He continues to recover but in the moments between finding out that his boss was taking him in and the call from Mom letting me know he was ok, the disconnect from the world became complete. The real possibility that I may need to get to the ER myself until Mom got there sent me down this path of chanting to myself the tasks that needed to be completed in order to get in the car. Eat – – Eat – – finish edits on photos – – Eat – – pack – – pack – – finish edits – – photos – – pack. It was a familiar thought process. One I had become versed in during the weeks leading up to Keith’s death and with it came the question “How strong is my spirit?” which followed with “At what point will it break?” followed by the concrete knowledge that I do not want to ever have either of those questions answered.
I could feel myself crawling out of the abyss last night. Maybe it was a return to being a vendor at a fundraiser, forcing me to have my game on. Maybe it was looking forward to having the nieces over this evening. Maybe it was hearing it in his voice that Dad was hanging in there. Whatever brought me back doesn’t matter. All I know is that coming back to the real world is exhilarating. I could feel every muscle, each breath on my walk. I finally started playing on my new computer, truly enjoying my Facebook world as a few of us started posting photo booth alien photos to our profile.
I picked up my nieces on the eve of my brother’s big 40th birthday. HA! he’s catching up with me again and his gift was from Keith – in the form of $40.00 worth of two dollar bills from the coin collection. The nieces and I blasted ABBA songs on the ride home, singing Dancing Queen at the top of our lungs. We made boiled oatmeal cookies and when Cow came out to inspect them, we decided they looked like cow patties. After photographing Cow atop a cookie, I spoke with Mom and we are in agreement that they should always be called cow patties from now on. I also filled her in on the fact that between me and the girls, we managed to eat all but 6 patties. I actually have a stomach ache right now. We wrapped up our girls night with a viewing of the Smurf Movie. “Are you dead?” If you are not laughing at that line, go watch the movie. I confess that I actually liked it. Then again, anything with Neal Patrick Harris in it will always be a hit with me.
I don’t know how long this joy will last. I will soak it up into every pore of my being until I can’t hold on to it any more. It will get me through the next abyss. So much of who I am will always find the joy in dancing with a Dwork, eating cow patties, and having a smurftastic time with the nieces. Even Brandon can’t stay in the abyss with them around. He braved eating a patty at the insistence of Elise and got a big Bekah hug. He also told me that there is a counselor at the college that he will seek out for the help he needs, relieving some of my fear that I am failing him. Besides, if Keith were around I know he would tell us to knock it off already, and don’t eat all those patties or you’ll get sick, and turn that TV down! What the hell are you watching anyway?
Love
Cherish
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