Fifteen years ago, Keith and I prepped for the arrival of our usual busy rush of trick or treaters. We had the giant bowl of candy filled to the brim by the front door but our usual excitement was dimmed. Keith started with a fever in the morning with no appetite at all. He struggled even getting fluids in. By “go” time, we made the decision to turn off all the lights and not hand out candy. He progressively got worse and the body aches kicked in, so I took him to the ER so they could start fluids.
There we were, in the ER waiting room and he was so exhausted that he rested on my shoulder with the blanket I brought from home. Nothing can prepare you for the side effects of chemotherapy until the first wave of symptoms hit. When they do, it feels like a gut punch to both caregiver and patient. Keith was practically incapacitated and I was incapable of providing any real comfort.
Fifteen years later, Gary is trying desperately to survive those same symptoms. Here I am, once again incapable of providing any comfort. Rubbing lotion on his dry legs and making him take his anti nausea medication hardly seems adequate. The only thing we can do is hunker down and let him work through it. The one upside is that we live in the country so we don’t need to turn away trick or treaters for him to get his rest.
Despite their very different cancers, this process feels very much like deja vu on steroids. It is not lost on me that Keith got hit so hard on Halloween after his first treatment and now Gary after his first. It all starts to feel like a horror movie. Someone out there has sewn a cursed talisman into the lining of my coat and now every man I fall in love with gets zapped with cancer. I wish there was a talisman hotline I could call so I could find out who cursed me and how to contact them to correct whatever wrong I did to them. I’m missing Keith right now, in a way I never expected. I could use a visit from his spirit so he could make me understand what Gary is feeling. Maybe then, I could help.
Regardless, I know Gary and I will survive this Halloween, just like Keith and I did before. It gives me hope that we will survive Thanksgiving knowing Keith did as well. After that, I will have to knuckle down to get through Christmas and try to be more than adequate for Gary. I have to believe that this horror story will have a better ending because I’m not sure I have the strength to be haunted by two ghosts. That would definitely make for a horrifying Halloween tale.
Leave a Reply