I believe in karma. I believe that a person can have more than one soul mate. I believe that when one door closes, another one opens. I believe that love is possible for me again.
But I fear. I fear that in the deep corners of my heart, there is an ache that may never go away. I fear that the threat of being alone will cloud my judgement. I fear that I will find myself comparing him to what Keith did, what Keith said, what Keith felt. I fear that I am too soft for this crazy world. Keith would say I was too nice, too trusting, too forgiving. Without him here, I’ve lost my protector. He’d cry injustice when I didn’t see it. He’d defend my honor despite my protest. I feel like I’m lost in the woods among the wolves without him.
Then again, if he were here, this thought of moving on with an open heart wouldn’t even be in my head. I know he only wanted my happiness. I know he would want me to move on when I was ready.
Why think of all of this just a few days from our anniversary? There is a person out there that has sparked my interest. I know that everything can change in the blink of an eye so I want to live in each moment of my life with no regrets and no fear. I want to get to know him better and see where we go. Yet I fear when it comes to this. Love is an intricate, beautiful, delicate lace work of emotions. Each emotional stitch builds on another – trust, loyalty, support, compassion, protection – taking sweet time to bind together into something definable, recognizable, strong – and along the way, losing just one stitch could make it all unravel in an instant.
So I’ve been turning to my inner Keith and asking him “Does he know how vulnerable I really am?” and “Will I be able to see him for who he is and not for how he stacks up to the Keith standard?” and “If he hurts me, will I survive?” and “do I have it in my heart to try again, and after investing in a new lace work, could I lose him the way I lost you?”
I can hear Keith’s reply. “If he hurts you, I’ll kick his ass! Until then, be happy, Cherish. Don’t worry about what’s down the road. Enjoy today. Go for it and have fun. Don’t do anything too stupid.”
I believe I will. I believe its worth a try.